Life advice from mom 12-5-17

Be a best friend,
Tell the truth,
Overuse "I love you"

Go to work.
Do you best.
Don't outsmart your common sense.

Never let your praying knees get lazy,
and Love Like Crazy.

I heard this song today.  I felt like if I had advice for you the both of you, this is perfect.
Be honest.  Work hard.  Do your best.  Be kind.  Let those you love know it.  Pray.  Trust in God, and take life by the reins.  You only get one chance.  You only get one at bat. See how much you can accomplish. Don't worry about failure.  There is no failure: you either succeed or you learn.


I love you .

Love,
Mom

Oh my little dude!  You caught wind my birthday was coming up and you have been busy "hiding" pictures you are making from me, and making me cards.

You are a complex human Jace, and I mean that in the best of ways.  You have a tough, rough and tumble exterior, but inside you are sensitive, thoughtful, and sweet.  You are always looking for approval and you are sensitive and sad when you think you don't have it.

You are in Kindergarten right now, and you have been rapidly developing some great skills.  You have recently learned how to color really nicely, and so the other day you got a coloring book and you colored a multitude of pictures that then you rolled up carefully and taped.  You put them in a shoe box and brought it to school and asked the teacher if you could pass them out to your friends.  Unfortunately for you,  the rule is if you have a gift you have to have one for everyone, but you were not deterred.  You came back home and starting diligently making more pictures.

A philanthropic heart will always serve you well Jace.  Even at times when you will seem crushed by it....even in moments when it will seem better to harden your heart and put up walls.......the essence you carry within you now is the true essence that will always serve you well.  I pray that life with all of its muddy experiences doesn't jade you from your true self.  You are sensitive and life will hurt you.  It will make you want to put up walls for protection....but the world needs more givers like you.  I hope you live a life you are proud of.  I hope you find a passion that feeds your soul and one that makes you not have to get up in the morning, but that you WANT to get up for in the morning.

I love you so much. You have so many natural talents and abilities.  You do.  Your worst adversary will always be yourself.  If you can overcome that, you will be unstoppable.

Please never stop loving.  Never stop giving.  Always do as Christ said and "Do unto others as you would have done unto you."

I love you always.  You make my heart swell with pride. 

Love,
Mom

Weekend with Daddy and GREAT parent teacher conference

It's been hard on you Jace, I know.  Daddy being sick isn't easy for anyone.  I know how badly you have wished to have your dad back because I prayed and wished just as much too. 

This past weekend you got to spend the weekend on a boys trip with you dad in the mountains.  You guys skied, bowled, went to the arcade, played video games, went swimming, went to restaurants, and daddy bought you legos and you both built a bunch of legos together.

Your smile says it all. 

In school today we had your very first parent teacher conference and the teacher showed us how you are basically above in every subject!  I'm soooo proud of you!  She said  you are fun, outgoing, and a joy to have in class.  You're a good learner too. 

You told me before you left for the weekend that "daddy was feeling better."  I'm so glad you got to have this special time.  <3

Two goals at soccer!

Oh little dude, you begged me to get you into soccer, so I asked around and finally found a place you could go that still had room since I was late to the game!

You were totally stoked to get some shin guards, and a bonus is that Papa Smith can come to all of your games!

Today when I got home from work, Daddy told me you made TWO goals!!  You are amazing!!!  So talented already. ;)  Keep working hard little dude.  The sky is the limit!

First day of Kindergarten

Today was your first day of Kindergarten pal. I would like to say I cried like all the mothers mourning this next milestone in their child's life that is taking them one step further toward adulthood; but I did not.

It's not because I don't love you.  It's because I have mourned having a little you  your entire toddler years.  I think you quite possibly were born believing your were already a man. You want man toys. You do man things, like try and fix things and figure out how they work, and learn directions, and take care of your mom.  I couldn't have sheltered you or made you a mama's boy if I tried.   You were a ship born with sails.  The only thing that has ever held you back is that pesky thing called age.

When we walked past a Kindergarten teacher last week she said hi and called you by name.  Surprised she knew you, she said oh yes.  She called you, a "little man."  Hmm.  Do you see a theme?  She said she watched you the past two years bringing up the rear as Grandma Smith walked Ashlynn to school, and you had her keys, wallet, and phone in tow. 

I've felt bad you haven't had a playmate in the neighborhood in which we live.  Sometimes I think it might be my fault you don't really know how to make friends or get a long with them.  That changed today though when I could literally see the excitement dancing in your eyes and you talked about being silly eating lunch, finding a playing with old friends from highschool, and retelling the book that was read to you in class.  I've been worried you wouldn't have good behavior.  I was worried you would rage and get "hangry."  I realize though you love a challenge.  You are goal driven.  You love a new mountain to climb, or a new puzzle to figure out.  I know school will give you these things, and I truly believe you will thrive.

In your low moments someday, I want you to read this and know that you are unstoppable.  If you feel stuck, it is because you are your own worse enemy.  Jace Cody Smith was born to keep moving forward and never stop.  Failure is a necessary step toward success, for anyone who never failed never truly tried anything new.

Harnessing you has always been my biggest challenge, and I imagine it won't change when you are an adult.  You are going to have to find a way to harness your energy, your inquisitiveness, your ingenuity, and turn it into something great. If you can do this, you will be unstoppable.

More importantly though, I posted your pictures on facebook as any proud mom would, and I followed up with this: If you see someone alone, be the one to reach out to them and talk or play with them.  You may have been born with sails, but others need more nudging to get on the ship.  That doesn't mean though, that anyone wants to be alone. 
I hope you always stay true to your good heart.  You have empathy for others and the world needs more kind people, just as much as they need smart people like you.  Lucky for you, you can be both. 

Love,
Mom

Weeeeee.....Weeeeee...THIS IS THE BEST...DAY....EVER!!!

Today our friends the Powers took us to Lakeside amusement park.  You are able to ride a bunch of different rides this year because you are finally tall enough!  You're still a pretty short little dude for 5, but daddy says he was the same way and so I know you're going to grow up to be a big tall man like him.

Anyway, we started in Kiddie Land.  Your favorite ride was the roller coaster.  No fear you chose the front seat each time with your arms up!

This pic doesn't do it justice, but you were ALL hands up look at me!

Then you went on the BIG, OLD wooden roller coaster with daddy.  Linda took this picture and I could not believe my only four year old baby was in the front row of this roller coaster owning it like a boss!  Damn Jace.  You are one cool little dude.  You're going to lead me to an early grave because of all my worry, but you are so awesome.

You're right in front with daddy!

Father's Day 2017

Father's Day is in two days, and you are almost five.  Your dad was hospitalized again last month, but this time you took everything in stride because he did talk to you everyday.

Since he's been back, he hasn't been himself.  You're just too young to understand, but you feel his rejection.  I know you want approval, he's just to depressed to even approve of himself. 

So this Father's Day, you have gone all out.  Kid, you are seriously impressive.  We went camping a week before Father's Day and we went into a gas station.  You spotted an LED light keychain and a guitar keychain and you begged me to buy it for you so you could give it to him.  I told you that you had to keep a secret, and you solemnly vowed to obey.

And you did.  You hid it in the trailer that entire weekend.  Then you put in a safe place in your room when we got home.  During the course of the week, you added personal cards you made, with some of the best pictures I have ever seen you draw and said you took your time and tried really hard because you love you dad your so much.  
Last night you had your secret box out to show me all the treasures you had gathered for your dad.  He came in unexpectedly and I told you, "hurry, daddy is here."  The look on your face was urgent and your intent was clear.  You wanted this to be a special surprise and you did not want to spoil it.  You managed to pack everything up back in your box and it disappeared back into your room.

You didn't stop there though.  You took legos this morning from his old lego toy box and made a race car.  You poured over the details telling me about where the engine was etc.  You told me you hoped Daddy would like it. 

Oh Jace, he loves you.  He will like it. He will LOVE it.   He's having a hard time right now pal.  I hope one day you will understand and not hold it against him.

Today it was time to wrap the presents, and you had to do it yourself.  There is a ton of tape but it was all taped with love.  You wanted it to be perfect.  "I hope daddy is happy now" you said hopefully. 

We're thankful for our dad

"Your children will become who you are; so be who you want them to be." Cody was up skiing this weekend. Tonight he is back and at dinner Jace blessed the food and thanked Jesus for his dad and now he is literally following him mow the lawn. 

I posted this on facebook tonight.  You are almost five. Cody left for the weekend to snowboard and you clearly missed him. 

I'm proud of you Jace.  You have a good dad.  He's a wonderful and loving husband, great family man, caring father, and always feels like he's not doing or being enough for you.  I hope you always know his love for you and carry it with you through life.
I pos😍❤️👨‍👦

A girlfriend, a kiss, and you're only 4!!

You're only four, and you have a girlfriend in preschool.  The teacher told me at conferences you two are basically a couple.

Over Spring Break you took out her Christmas card picture she gave you and hopped on the couch looking longingly at it.  You hung your head and I asked you what was wrong.

"Oh, I just really miss Jessica," you said sadly.  "I wish I could call her."

You found some numbers (2016) on the bottom of the card and tried to dial them into my phone.  When it didn't call her you lamented more!  

Then today as we were leaving school, Jessica called out to you to wait up because she wanted to hug you.  You stopped and gave her a big hug, and then kissed her on the cheek!  Ack! Jace!!  You're only four!!  I wanted to scold you, but I didn't.  Anytime you show love and affection I am happy.  It's so much better than the alternative.  Love you little dude.

I'm ready for Kindergarten because I've been in preK for a 100 years!

Jace!  Dynamite! Energizer bunny!

Your mind is always working!  The wheels are always turning! Jace you are an engineer, but more than that, you are an inventor.  You have a curious mind.  A beautiful mind.  A mind that seeks truth, that seeks understanding, that seeks to figure out how things work.

You went to the museum today on a field trip with Grandma.  The main point was to look at dinosaurs and the planets, units of study in preschool, but your happiest pictures are when you are engaged in an experiment or figuring out how things work.

These pictures are at a water station.  I just wonder what your brain was thinking.

Your best exhibit though, was apparently the "gears."  You told me about them on the phone, you told me about them when I got home from work, and then Grandma sent me the pic and told me you could have stayed there forever and you had it all figured out.

You're an amazing boy Jace.  Your temper and anger sometimes scare me, and I worry I won't be able to help you channel your brilliance into an outlet that suits you, but I promise I will try.  

You're a good boy Jace.  You have a good heart.  When I come home you give me at least 20 kisses on my cheek to let me know how loved and missed I was.  At four, I think it's hard for a child to make their parent feel special, but you make me feel that way, and that is a special gift.

Jace the sky is the limit for you.  The only thing that I see getting in your way is you.  I know that because you remind me of me.  I was my worst enemy.  Believe in yourself Jace.  Give yourself permission to make mistakes because you realize making mistakes is how you learn and adjust.  

If you can do that, you can and will literally be anything and anyone your heart desires.  Just don't forget to kiss me hello and goodbye.  

Love, 

Mom

Rocky road with sun overhead

Today my sister, Aunt Kris, picked you guys up from school since Grandma Smith had to work.  You were first watched by a teacher Ms. Dean.  I showed you her name plate and then you guys went to her office.

While I was in a meeting, she had her older son take you to run an errand.  30 seconds later she reported you were back without her older son.  When asked where he was you pointed to her name and said, "It's okay.  I navigated back to my destination."  Her and the nurse were in there at the time and they couldn't help but laugh at your fearlessness and vocabulary!

Then today, Kris said she had you in the backseat which was kind of messy.  When you were done with your happy meal you just threw the trash in the backseat.  When she asked why you threw it back there you replied you thought there was a trash can back there.  When she said no and please give it back, you answered, "Kris, I don't have eyes on my fingers and I can't see where it went."  

LOL

Oh, and then at one point she was driving back to school to get Ashlynn and she turned on a wrong road.  That's when she hears from the backseat in an exasperated voice, "Aunt Kris!!  I told you to go straight!!"

Love you little man.  You crack us up.

0-100 Do not pass go, do not collect $200

The counselor told me to catch Jace when his anger is at about a 6 on a scale of 1-10.  Sounded reasonable...I quickly found out the problem though.  Jace doesn't have a 6.  He has a 1 or a 10. There is no in between.  There is happy Jace or triggered Jace, and nothing in between.

So, what was the offense today?

Well, we were getting ready for school and even though I had warned him that in 5 minutes we were turning off the TV to get ready for school, when 5 minutes came and I announced I would be turning off the TV I might as well as turned on his rage at 10 switch.

No joke.

FULL ON RAGE.  Threw the remote, to which I told him he would clip down on our clip system.  So he attacked the clip system, and any other item hanging on the fridge, to which I calmly told him would be another clip down and so and so forth until we were all the way down to red.

He hit the playstation, to which I replied he would no longer be able to watch any movies for a week since he couldn't respect the machine that played them.  In the midst of the chaos, I can't actually remember how I got him in the car.

Regardless, that wasn't good either.  He proceeded to kick the door and the chair, pull the handle (thank goodness for child locks) and unbuckle himself and flip over his car seat.  Oh, and did I mention he threw every item and toy he could get his hands on my way?  Somehow I stayed calm throughout the entire thing.  I've decided to look at it differently.

He is bipolar.  He is.  There I said it.

We've all known it.  We've all tried to deny it.  The counselor said at this age that can't dx, but I call bullshit, because if there is one thing I know besides apraxia, it's bipolar....and my baby has it.

It's actually a relief.  When it's bipolar, I don't this mindset like it's Jace and I need to discipline it out of him.  I can't.  I literally can't discipline the bipolar out of a child no more than the incarceration tries to punish the mental illness out of inmates.

So...what to do?

Number one: Remain calm and don't engage.  It seems counter intuitive not to engage his rage, but it only makes it worse, regardless of the course of action.

Number two: Get a what works list.  I'm still working on this one.  I can't figure out what can actually calm Jace down.  We have tried counting to 10, taking deep breaths, using a calm down water bottle that just got chucked at us or the door).   IDK.  Last week it was hiding in a closet, but in the car, that's not an option.

Ironically, he has a sore throat and needed water from all of his screaming.  I had one in the car that had ice in it.  I shook it up and it cracked into many pieces providing visual stimulating input along with noise.  He giggled in I swear, a maniacal way.  It was almost disturbing, but it did calm him down.

When he got out of school, he remembered he was on red, and he remembered he would be taking a timeout in his room.  He immediately started whining.  Maybe at this point he the closest to a 6 than he ever will be; however, once I affirm his punishment we will be at a 10.  If I ignore his punishment, we'll continue at a 6 indefinitely.

Well I affirmed his punishment, and the car ride home was another 25 minute rage session.  He threw things, he kicked, he screamed, he unbuckled his seat belt, he knocked it over at me....ALL THE WAY HOME.

FML

I put him in his room.  I opened the door when he stopped raging.  He laid in his bed.  He w
as quiet.  I walked away.  He seemed to calm himself down and then after 15 minutes, came out to eat.

Out afternoon was decent considering he's completely grounded from screens today and tomorrow and tablets for an entire week.  He painted, he colored, he drew the most adorable family pic of us.  I was so proud.

But then...it was time to pick up Ashlynn.  Car rides are a trigger.  Fuck.  Fuck. Fuck MY LIFE.

It's a blur.  I somehow reasoned with him enough that he didn't rage there....but he did on the way back.  The offense? It was time to go back home.  (This was after having dinner at his grandparent's house and even letting him stay and play a flashlight game with his papa.)

I had things thrown at me.  Ashlynn was hit three times.  He refused to stay in his car seat....as much as i tried to stay calm for Ashlynn, she and me, are held hostage by him and his rage.

Sigh.

It's out of control.  It's out of control, and he's only four.  Help me.  Help me God.  Help me help him. Guide Cody and I into making the decisions that are best for his well being.  Give me discernment to hear you.   Please.  Help me save my son.

Laura

How do I change the path?

I know Jace is only almost 4, and it may seem dramatic to say all I see is a one way path to jail, but sadly, that's all I see more and more.  I'm not a person prone to depression, and I should probably stop reading the news, because all I see when I see a criminal is Jace in that spot 20 years from now.

That's horrible I know.  l hate to admit it.  It makes me extremely depressed.  He can't even control himself around me though, and I'm his mom and he loves me.  He rages, hits me, slaps me, scratches me...gets red in the face from raging uncontrollably, has holes in the door, and Cody and I seem powerless to help him.  The older and stronger he gets, the worse I fear it will be.

How do I give him tools to help?  I feel like a failure.  I'm exhausted, I'm depressed.  I don't know how to be a good mom to him.  I feel like I have Ashlynn taken care of, and under control, but I have no idea how to deal with Jace.

It's funny, because I'm more confident now Ashlynn will have a good future than I am about Jace.  He's smart, he's talented in many ways, he's creative, and yet I fear more for him and his future.

Cody once said he knows he will be a successful father if he can keep Ashlynn off the pole.  How then, do we keep Jace out of jail?  I can't live with myself he doesn't grow up to be a good person.

Consistent consequences - check.
Found his currency - check
Parenting peacefully - check  I give hugs, hold his hand, provide deep pressure and compression
Two parents - check
Stable home- check

Rage and Anger Issues

Jace is a 4 year old boy.  At his center, he is thoughtful, sweet, kind and caring.  He will be concerned when others are hurt, display empathy when he has hurt others, and is affectionate and loving.

There is another side of Jace.  A side I really don't understand.  I know bipolar can't be diagnosed this young, but he has so many traits already.

1. He has triggers.

I took him to a therapist, and the therapist asked me to identify triggers.  I tried but couldn't come up with any that session.  His advice was to make a calm space for Jace and try and help him calm down when he's at an anger level of 60 on a scale of 1-10.  I've been trying to do that, and I've realized Jace is never at a 60.   Jace goes from 1-10 in seconds......when he's triggered.

This week it was taking a nap.  He had the stomach bug and was up until 2AM waking up at 7.  When it was time for a nap, he flew into an immediate rage.  He throws whatever is in his hand, and makes it his mission to purposely start breaking anything in the area.

We have a new door (without a hole) and I told him his two choices.  TAke a nap with me, or go to his room with the door locked.  He raged further, so I followed through with the consequence.  The minute he would stop raging I opened the door to reward the behavior I wanted to see. When faced with his two options again, he chose to rage once more and the scenario was repeated until he finally gave in and did actually take a (much needed) nap.

This is an obvious trigger.  There are some days, I don't know the trigger. It may be Ashlynn has a toy he feels he is entitled to.  Other days, he would care less she has it.

Some days it might be we have to get in the car to pick her up from school, other days he could care less.  Either way, the result is always the same....utter and total rage.

Sometimes I do have a reward that is so juicy it will curb the behavior, like jetskiing.  Though it is difficult, he does and can curb his behavior to get the reward.

Because of this we have a color clip system like they do in school to reward the behavior....and I did reward it, Saturday...only for him to rage on Sunday like it never mattered.  There has to be some consequence, but consequences do nothing to change his behavior.  Taking away priveleges, though  upsetting, are never enough to change his behavior, but only serve to throw him into a greater rage.

Applying consequences that he hates are never effective.  For example, he's scared of the dark.  When we threaten to lock him in his room with no lights, he is scared, but still rages.  Once in there, he cries that he's scared.

He presumably likes his toys, but will not stop throwing them at the door, so we have all of his toys now out of his room and any furniture, as he seeks to destroy it as well.  Even when he is told he will get it taken away if he throws it, and even though he cries in regret afterward, it is not enough to make him NOT throw the toy.

I don't know what to do.  I guess I'll make another appointment with the counselor...that's a start at least.

I have to figure this out before it's too late.  I have to help my baby, and he's only 4 years old :(

A chip off the old Baskall

Jace, I hate to break it to you, or maybe I'm proud to tell you, you are a chip off the old Baskall.

Seriously though, you have sooo many Baskall traits and you're only four.  You are proof some qualities in a person are straight up genetic.  There really is no other explanation.

It starts with your sensory issues. I'm not sure if you remember, but last year I wrote a post about how you are literally wearing ski boots larger than your older sister's because everything was "too tight."

To add onto this, you HATE wearing new shoes.  You LOVE new shoes once they are broken in, but that process is long, tedious, and quite frankly annoying.  You have an awesome new pair of grey Vans we bought you at the start of the school year, but you insist on wearing your old pair of Kohl's shoes that have holes now in each of the toes!

Your dad laughed as he mused you were like your Grandpa Baskall.  See Grandpa Baskall had this pair of black shoes that he wore until literally both toes were completey worn through and I'm pretty sure at one point he put duct tape around them because "they were still good." Your dad made fun of Grandpa ENDLESSLY for this....and then you popped up. Oh my.  You love your air conditioned, comfy shoes too!

It was daddy's 37th bday this week. His birthday fell on a Thursday and I wanted to take him out, just the four of us.  You liked that.  The next night though, Grandma Smith also wanted to take him out to eat.  When I told you we were going to a restaurant again you loudly retorted, "AGAIN???"

Jace, going to restaurants is fun. Don't tell me you're that spoiled.

You were not having it.  Why couldn't we just eat at home?? We already went out last night!!  All I could do was laugh.  My dad only goes out to eat because your Grandma Baskall enjoys it.  He would much rather eat at home every night.  Oh man Jace, if you aren't looking more and more like a Baskall, I'm not sure who is!

My last thought relates to a phenomenon your dad has called "hemitting." He says I have tendencies, I don't know.  Don't believe him!  At any rate, a hermit is a person who "lives in seclusion from society."  Hey, I love people, don't get me wrong.  I just really, really, REALLY love my home.  I'm pretty sure that is where Grandpa Baskall is coming from too.

Anyway, for a preschool Thanksgiving craft, you wrote:
" I am thankful for my house, my bedroom, my bed, my sister, and my mommy and daddy."

It's cute because it's a testament to how much you love being home.  Winter break was brutal.  You loved being home all the time. Where your sister was always asking where we were going, you were content to stay in your happy bubble.

Grandpa Baskall tells this story of me.  They had taken me on this great vacation road tripping for a week seeing some great sights.  My dad was so happy he could provide me with such a great vacation.  Upon it's completion, I walked into the house, pulling a stuffed animal I loved behind me, and announced to it, "Oh Wally, we're FINALLY home."

I'm a homebody too Jace.   Remember though, a homebody is only a homebody because home is really that great.  How fortunate are we that home is a place we wanted to be more than anywhere in the world?  Love you little man.  May you always know "home."

Your sweet, sweet heart

I usually work out at home to work out videos.  A few days ago, I was red faced and sweaty after a good burn.  You took one look at me and instantly became concerned:

"Oh mommy, you're not looking too good, you need to sit down!"

Your concern for me was beyond sweet.  I told you I would be stretching soon.  You grabbed my water bottle out of my work bag and announced you were going to fill it up.  When it was full, you screwed back on the lid and brought it over to me.  You told me I need to drink some water because I was looking pretty dehydrated.

I smiled at you.  Oh my little man, who are you?  You have to be the definition of an old soul.  Seriously.

I drank some water and you smiled, pleased you had helped me.  You took your small hand and smiled while patting my arm.

Oh how I love you, you sweet sweet little boy.

The Bond: A poem

Little buddy, being pregnant with you was the last time I would be a mother. Though you came out wanting to be an adult I swear, you are my loviest child.  By that I mean, you love cuddles, snuggles, kisses, and soak up every I love you.

I found a poem I wrote when I was pregnant with you.  You were loved before you were ever born.  

The Bond:

One day a spirit appeared
taking up residence in my vessel
For a time,
two hearts beat together in
a harmony of song
The sweetest, simplest of songs
raw
pure
visceral
Your earthly life hinging on mine
we spoke in tongues only we could understand
Reminiscent now in your Eyes
Windows to our souls
Love begun before birth
never dies.