The counselor told me to catch Jace when his anger is at about a 6 on a scale of 1-10. Sounded reasonable...I quickly found out the problem though. Jace doesn't have a 6. He has a 1 or a 10. There is no in between. There is happy Jace or triggered Jace, and nothing in between.
So, what was the offense today?
Well, we were getting ready for school and even though I had warned him that in 5 minutes we were turning off the TV to get ready for school, when 5 minutes came and I announced I would be turning off the TV I might as well as turned on his rage at 10 switch.
No joke.
FULL ON RAGE. Threw the remote, to which I told him he would clip down on our clip system. So he attacked the clip system, and any other item hanging on the fridge, to which I calmly told him would be another clip down and so and so forth until we were all the way down to red.
He hit the playstation, to which I replied he would no longer be able to watch any movies for a week since he couldn't respect the machine that played them. In the midst of the chaos, I can't actually remember how I got him in the car.
Regardless, that wasn't good either. He proceeded to kick the door and the chair, pull the handle (thank goodness for child locks) and unbuckle himself and flip over his car seat. Oh, and did I mention he threw every item and toy he could get his hands on my way? Somehow I stayed calm throughout the entire thing. I've decided to look at it differently.
He is bipolar. He is. There I said it.
We've all known it. We've all tried to deny it. The counselor said at this age that can't dx, but I call bullshit, because if there is one thing I know besides apraxia, it's bipolar....and my baby has it.
It's actually a relief. When it's bipolar, I don't this mindset like it's Jace and I need to discipline it out of him. I can't. I literally can't discipline the bipolar out of a child no more than the incarceration tries to punish the mental illness out of inmates.
So...what to do?
Number one: Remain calm and don't engage. It seems counter intuitive not to engage his rage, but it only makes it worse, regardless of the course of action.
Number two: Get a what works list. I'm still working on this one. I can't figure out what can actually calm Jace down. We have tried counting to 10, taking deep breaths, using a calm down water bottle that just got chucked at us or the door). IDK. Last week it was hiding in a closet, but in the car, that's not an option.
Ironically, he has a sore throat and needed water from all of his screaming. I had one in the car that had ice in it. I shook it up and it cracked into many pieces providing visual stimulating input along with noise. He giggled in I swear, a maniacal way. It was almost disturbing, but it did calm him down.
When he got out of school, he remembered he was on red, and he remembered he would be taking a timeout in his room. He immediately started whining. Maybe at this point he the closest to a 6 than he ever will be; however, once I affirm his punishment we will be at a 10. If I ignore his punishment, we'll continue at a 6 indefinitely.
Well I affirmed his punishment, and the car ride home was another 25 minute rage session. He threw things, he kicked, he screamed, he unbuckled his seat belt, he knocked it over at me....ALL THE WAY HOME.
FML
I put him in his room. I opened the door when he stopped raging. He laid in his bed. He w
as quiet. I walked away. He seemed to calm himself down and then after 15 minutes, came out to eat.
Out afternoon was decent considering he's completely grounded from screens today and tomorrow and tablets for an entire week. He painted, he colored, he drew the most adorable family pic of us. I was so proud.
But then...it was time to pick up Ashlynn. Car rides are a trigger. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck MY LIFE.
It's a blur. I somehow reasoned with him enough that he didn't rage there....but he did on the way back. The offense? It was time to go back home. (This was after having dinner at his grandparent's house and even letting him stay and play a flashlight game with his papa.)
I had things thrown at me. Ashlynn was hit three times. He refused to stay in his car seat....as much as i tried to stay calm for Ashlynn, she and me, are held hostage by him and his rage.
Sigh.
It's out of control. It's out of control, and he's only four. Help me. Help me God. Help me help him. Guide Cody and I into making the decisions that are best for his well being. Give me discernment to hear you. Please. Help me save my son.
Laura
Monday, February 27, 2017
Wednesday, February 22, 2017
How do I change the path?
I know Jace is only almost 4, and it may seem dramatic to say all I see is a one way path to jail, but sadly, that's all I see more and more. I'm not a person prone to depression, and I should probably stop reading the news, because all I see when I see a criminal is Jace in that spot 20 years from now.
That's horrible I know. l hate to admit it. It makes me extremely depressed. He can't even control himself around me though, and I'm his mom and he loves me. He rages, hits me, slaps me, scratches me...gets red in the face from raging uncontrollably, has holes in the door, and Cody and I seem powerless to help him. The older and stronger he gets, the worse I fear it will be.
How do I give him tools to help? I feel like a failure. I'm exhausted, I'm depressed. I don't know how to be a good mom to him. I feel like I have Ashlynn taken care of, and under control, but I have no idea how to deal with Jace.
It's funny, because I'm more confident now Ashlynn will have a good future than I am about Jace. He's smart, he's talented in many ways, he's creative, and yet I fear more for him and his future.
Cody once said he knows he will be a successful father if he can keep Ashlynn off the pole. How then, do we keep Jace out of jail? I can't live with myself he doesn't grow up to be a good person.
Consistent consequences - check.
Found his currency - check
Parenting peacefully - check I give hugs, hold his hand, provide deep pressure and compression
Two parents - check
Stable home- check
That's horrible I know. l hate to admit it. It makes me extremely depressed. He can't even control himself around me though, and I'm his mom and he loves me. He rages, hits me, slaps me, scratches me...gets red in the face from raging uncontrollably, has holes in the door, and Cody and I seem powerless to help him. The older and stronger he gets, the worse I fear it will be.
How do I give him tools to help? I feel like a failure. I'm exhausted, I'm depressed. I don't know how to be a good mom to him. I feel like I have Ashlynn taken care of, and under control, but I have no idea how to deal with Jace.
It's funny, because I'm more confident now Ashlynn will have a good future than I am about Jace. He's smart, he's talented in many ways, he's creative, and yet I fear more for him and his future.
Cody once said he knows he will be a successful father if he can keep Ashlynn off the pole. How then, do we keep Jace out of jail? I can't live with myself he doesn't grow up to be a good person.
Consistent consequences - check.
Found his currency - check
Parenting peacefully - check I give hugs, hold his hand, provide deep pressure and compression
Two parents - check
Stable home- check
Rage and Anger Issues
Jace is a 4 year old boy. At his center, he is thoughtful, sweet, kind and caring. He will be concerned when others are hurt, display empathy when he has hurt others, and is affectionate and loving.
There is another side of Jace. A side I really don't understand. I know bipolar can't be diagnosed this young, but he has so many traits already.
1. He has triggers.
I took him to a therapist, and the therapist asked me to identify triggers. I tried but couldn't come up with any that session. His advice was to make a calm space for Jace and try and help him calm down when he's at an anger level of 60 on a scale of 1-10. I've been trying to do that, and I've realized Jace is never at a 60. Jace goes from 1-10 in seconds......when he's triggered.
This week it was taking a nap. He had the stomach bug and was up until 2AM waking up at 7. When it was time for a nap, he flew into an immediate rage. He throws whatever is in his hand, and makes it his mission to purposely start breaking anything in the area.
We have a new door (without a hole) and I told him his two choices. TAke a nap with me, or go to his room with the door locked. He raged further, so I followed through with the consequence. The minute he would stop raging I opened the door to reward the behavior I wanted to see. When faced with his two options again, he chose to rage once more and the scenario was repeated until he finally gave in and did actually take a (much needed) nap.
This is an obvious trigger. There are some days, I don't know the trigger. It may be Ashlynn has a toy he feels he is entitled to. Other days, he would care less she has it.
Some days it might be we have to get in the car to pick her up from school, other days he could care less. Either way, the result is always the same....utter and total rage.
Sometimes I do have a reward that is so juicy it will curb the behavior, like jetskiing. Though it is difficult, he does and can curb his behavior to get the reward.
Because of this we have a color clip system like they do in school to reward the behavior....and I did reward it, Saturday...only for him to rage on Sunday like it never mattered. There has to be some consequence, but consequences do nothing to change his behavior. Taking away priveleges, though upsetting, are never enough to change his behavior, but only serve to throw him into a greater rage.
Applying consequences that he hates are never effective. For example, he's scared of the dark. When we threaten to lock him in his room with no lights, he is scared, but still rages. Once in there, he cries that he's scared.
He presumably likes his toys, but will not stop throwing them at the door, so we have all of his toys now out of his room and any furniture, as he seeks to destroy it as well. Even when he is told he will get it taken away if he throws it, and even though he cries in regret afterward, it is not enough to make him NOT throw the toy.
I don't know what to do. I guess I'll make another appointment with the counselor...that's a start at least.
I have to figure this out before it's too late. I have to help my baby, and he's only 4 years old :(
There is another side of Jace. A side I really don't understand. I know bipolar can't be diagnosed this young, but he has so many traits already.
1. He has triggers.
I took him to a therapist, and the therapist asked me to identify triggers. I tried but couldn't come up with any that session. His advice was to make a calm space for Jace and try and help him calm down when he's at an anger level of 60 on a scale of 1-10. I've been trying to do that, and I've realized Jace is never at a 60. Jace goes from 1-10 in seconds......when he's triggered.
This week it was taking a nap. He had the stomach bug and was up until 2AM waking up at 7. When it was time for a nap, he flew into an immediate rage. He throws whatever is in his hand, and makes it his mission to purposely start breaking anything in the area.
We have a new door (without a hole) and I told him his two choices. TAke a nap with me, or go to his room with the door locked. He raged further, so I followed through with the consequence. The minute he would stop raging I opened the door to reward the behavior I wanted to see. When faced with his two options again, he chose to rage once more and the scenario was repeated until he finally gave in and did actually take a (much needed) nap.
This is an obvious trigger. There are some days, I don't know the trigger. It may be Ashlynn has a toy he feels he is entitled to. Other days, he would care less she has it.
Some days it might be we have to get in the car to pick her up from school, other days he could care less. Either way, the result is always the same....utter and total rage.
Sometimes I do have a reward that is so juicy it will curb the behavior, like jetskiing. Though it is difficult, he does and can curb his behavior to get the reward.
Because of this we have a color clip system like they do in school to reward the behavior....and I did reward it, Saturday...only for him to rage on Sunday like it never mattered. There has to be some consequence, but consequences do nothing to change his behavior. Taking away priveleges, though upsetting, are never enough to change his behavior, but only serve to throw him into a greater rage.
Applying consequences that he hates are never effective. For example, he's scared of the dark. When we threaten to lock him in his room with no lights, he is scared, but still rages. Once in there, he cries that he's scared.
He presumably likes his toys, but will not stop throwing them at the door, so we have all of his toys now out of his room and any furniture, as he seeks to destroy it as well. Even when he is told he will get it taken away if he throws it, and even though he cries in regret afterward, it is not enough to make him NOT throw the toy.
I don't know what to do. I guess I'll make another appointment with the counselor...that's a start at least.
I have to figure this out before it's too late. I have to help my baby, and he's only 4 years old :(
Sunday, January 8, 2017
A chip off the old Baskall
Jace, I hate to break it to you, or maybe I'm proud to tell you, you are a chip off the old Baskall.
Seriously though, you have sooo many Baskall traits and you're only four. You are proof some qualities in a person are straight up genetic. There really is no other explanation.
It starts with your sensory issues. I'm not sure if you remember, but last year I wrote a post about how you are literally wearing ski boots larger than your older sister's because everything was "too tight."
To add onto this, you HATE wearing new shoes. You LOVE new shoes once they are broken in, but that process is long, tedious, and quite frankly annoying. You have an awesome new pair of grey Vans we bought you at the start of the school year, but you insist on wearing your old pair of Kohl's shoes that have holes now in each of the toes!
Your dad laughed as he mused you were like your Grandpa Baskall. See Grandpa Baskall had this pair of black shoes that he wore until literally both toes were completey worn through and I'm pretty sure at one point he put duct tape around them because "they were still good." Your dad made fun of Grandpa ENDLESSLY for this....and then you popped up. Oh my. You love your air conditioned, comfy shoes too!
It was daddy's 37th bday this week. His birthday fell on a Thursday and I wanted to take him out, just the four of us. You liked that. The next night though, Grandma Smith also wanted to take him out to eat. When I told you we were going to a restaurant again you loudly retorted, "AGAIN???"
Jace, going to restaurants is fun. Don't tell me you're that spoiled.
You were not having it. Why couldn't we just eat at home?? We already went out last night!! All I could do was laugh. My dad only goes out to eat because your Grandma Baskall enjoys it. He would much rather eat at home every night. Oh man Jace, if you aren't looking more and more like a Baskall, I'm not sure who is!
My last thought relates to a phenomenon your dad has called "hemitting." He says I have tendencies, I don't know. Don't believe him! At any rate, a hermit is a person who "lives in seclusion from society." Hey, I love people, don't get me wrong. I just really, really, REALLY love my home. I'm pretty sure that is where Grandpa Baskall is coming from too.
Anyway, for a preschool Thanksgiving craft, you wrote:
" I am thankful for my house, my bedroom, my bed, my sister, and my mommy and daddy."
It's cute because it's a testament to how much you love being home. Winter break was brutal. You loved being home all the time. Where your sister was always asking where we were going, you were content to stay in your happy bubble.
Grandpa Baskall tells this story of me. They had taken me on this great vacation road tripping for a week seeing some great sights. My dad was so happy he could provide me with such a great vacation. Upon it's completion, I walked into the house, pulling a stuffed animal I loved behind me, and announced to it, "Oh Wally, we're FINALLY home."
I'm a homebody too Jace. Remember though, a homebody is only a homebody because home is really that great. How fortunate are we that home is a place we wanted to be more than anywhere in the world? Love you little man. May you always know "home."
Seriously though, you have sooo many Baskall traits and you're only four. You are proof some qualities in a person are straight up genetic. There really is no other explanation.
It starts with your sensory issues. I'm not sure if you remember, but last year I wrote a post about how you are literally wearing ski boots larger than your older sister's because everything was "too tight."
To add onto this, you HATE wearing new shoes. You LOVE new shoes once they are broken in, but that process is long, tedious, and quite frankly annoying. You have an awesome new pair of grey Vans we bought you at the start of the school year, but you insist on wearing your old pair of Kohl's shoes that have holes now in each of the toes!
Your dad laughed as he mused you were like your Grandpa Baskall. See Grandpa Baskall had this pair of black shoes that he wore until literally both toes were completey worn through and I'm pretty sure at one point he put duct tape around them because "they were still good." Your dad made fun of Grandpa ENDLESSLY for this....and then you popped up. Oh my. You love your air conditioned, comfy shoes too!
It was daddy's 37th bday this week. His birthday fell on a Thursday and I wanted to take him out, just the four of us. You liked that. The next night though, Grandma Smith also wanted to take him out to eat. When I told you we were going to a restaurant again you loudly retorted, "AGAIN???"
Jace, going to restaurants is fun. Don't tell me you're that spoiled.
You were not having it. Why couldn't we just eat at home?? We already went out last night!! All I could do was laugh. My dad only goes out to eat because your Grandma Baskall enjoys it. He would much rather eat at home every night. Oh man Jace, if you aren't looking more and more like a Baskall, I'm not sure who is!
My last thought relates to a phenomenon your dad has called "hemitting." He says I have tendencies, I don't know. Don't believe him! At any rate, a hermit is a person who "lives in seclusion from society." Hey, I love people, don't get me wrong. I just really, really, REALLY love my home. I'm pretty sure that is where Grandpa Baskall is coming from too.
Anyway, for a preschool Thanksgiving craft, you wrote:
" I am thankful for my house, my bedroom, my bed, my sister, and my mommy and daddy."
It's cute because it's a testament to how much you love being home. Winter break was brutal. You loved being home all the time. Where your sister was always asking where we were going, you were content to stay in your happy bubble.
Grandpa Baskall tells this story of me. They had taken me on this great vacation road tripping for a week seeing some great sights. My dad was so happy he could provide me with such a great vacation. Upon it's completion, I walked into the house, pulling a stuffed animal I loved behind me, and announced to it, "Oh Wally, we're FINALLY home."
I'm a homebody too Jace. Remember though, a homebody is only a homebody because home is really that great. How fortunate are we that home is a place we wanted to be more than anywhere in the world? Love you little man. May you always know "home."
Your sweet, sweet heart
I usually work out at home to work out videos. A few days ago, I was red faced and sweaty after a good burn. You took one look at me and instantly became concerned:
"Oh mommy, you're not looking too good, you need to sit down!"
Your concern for me was beyond sweet. I told you I would be stretching soon. You grabbed my water bottle out of my work bag and announced you were going to fill it up. When it was full, you screwed back on the lid and brought it over to me. You told me I need to drink some water because I was looking pretty dehydrated.
I smiled at you. Oh my little man, who are you? You have to be the definition of an old soul. Seriously.
I drank some water and you smiled, pleased you had helped me. You took your small hand and smiled while patting my arm.
Oh how I love you, you sweet sweet little boy.
"Oh mommy, you're not looking too good, you need to sit down!"
Your concern for me was beyond sweet. I told you I would be stretching soon. You grabbed my water bottle out of my work bag and announced you were going to fill it up. When it was full, you screwed back on the lid and brought it over to me. You told me I need to drink some water because I was looking pretty dehydrated.
I smiled at you. Oh my little man, who are you? You have to be the definition of an old soul. Seriously.
I drank some water and you smiled, pleased you had helped me. You took your small hand and smiled while patting my arm.
Oh how I love you, you sweet sweet little boy.
The Bond: A poem
Little buddy, being pregnant with you was the last time I would be a mother. Though you came out wanting to be an adult I swear, you are my loviest child. By that I mean, you love cuddles, snuggles, kisses, and soak up every I love you.
I found a poem I wrote when I was pregnant with you. You were loved before you were ever born.
The Bond:
One day a spirit
appeared
taking up residence in my vessel
For a time,
two hearts beat together in
a harmony of song
The sweetest, simplest of songs
raw
pure
visceral
Your earthly life hinging on mine
we spoke in tongues only we could understand
Reminiscent now in your Eyes
Windows to our souls
Love begun before birth
never dies.
taking up residence in my vessel
For a time,
two hearts beat together in
a harmony of song
The sweetest, simplest of songs
raw
pure
visceral
Your earthly life hinging on mine
we spoke in tongues only we could understand
Reminiscent now in your Eyes
Windows to our souls
Love begun before birth
never dies.
Thursday, December 29, 2016
Mr. Man wanting to be an adult
Oh little man. You needed the TV rotated and I didn't want to get up.Here is the story:
Next thing I know he has the remote in his hand, standing on an ottoman trying to push it...its just he still couldn't quite reach. He hunches his shoulders, sighs a big sigh and says, "ohhhh I wish I was an adult." I shall document this moment forever and remind him of it when he actually is adulting and learns the lesson beware of what you wish for!
Next thing I know he has the remote in his hand, standing on an ottoman trying to push it...its just he still couldn't quite reach. He hunches his shoulders, sighs a big sigh and says, "ohhhh I wish I was an adult." I shall document this moment forever and remind him of it when he actually is adulting and learns the lesson beware of what you wish for!
That same day, you were playing on a work bench Grandma and Grandpa Smith got you. Your dad told you to get the instructions and build something, and your replied,
"Nah, I don't need the instructions!"
Spoken like a Baskall!!! hahahaha
Okay, and finally, I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but you have this craziness around shoes. You hate them being tight at all and when you break in a pair to the point they are in shambles...it is only then do they become you're favorite pair.
You don't need this, but Grandpa Baskall had an old pair of tennis shoes. The holes in the front became so bad at one point, his entire foot hung out the front. Now, he had a perfectly good pair (or two) of new shoes in the closet, but he refused to retire them. At Grandma Baskall's nagging, he did put duct tape around the front for awhile until finally succumbing and putting on his new pair of shoes.
Jace....sweetie...this is soooo you! LOL Oh my gosh and do I love you for it.
Okay, finally, last one. You are four this year and you found the play guitar and have been trying to strum it. I decided to show you a video of Daddy playing bass in his band. You are absolutely hooked!! You were bopping up and down and banging on the desk...playing pretend piano..the whole bit.
You're Grandma Smith told us to be careful of what we showed you or you might repeat the path of your father. That's okay. Music in your blood Jace. Grandpa Baskall came from a family of self taught musicians and daddy of course was a professional. Whatever you do..you are so destined for big things, I just know it. Promise me though, always be my little boy? I love you son.
Mommy
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