The counselor told me to catch Jace when his anger is at about a 6 on a scale of 1-10. Sounded reasonable...I quickly found out the problem though. Jace doesn't have a 6. He has a 1 or a 10. There is no in between. There is happy Jace or triggered Jace, and nothing in between.
So, what was the offense today?
Well, we were getting ready for school and even though I had warned him that in 5 minutes we were turning off the TV to get ready for school, when 5 minutes came and I announced I would be turning off the TV I might as well as turned on his rage at 10 switch.
No joke.
FULL ON RAGE. Threw the remote, to which I told him he would clip down on our clip system. So he attacked the clip system, and any other item hanging on the fridge, to which I calmly told him would be another clip down and so and so forth until we were all the way down to red.
He hit the playstation, to which I replied he would no longer be able to watch any movies for a week since he couldn't respect the machine that played them. In the midst of the chaos, I can't actually remember how I got him in the car.
Regardless, that wasn't good either. He proceeded to kick the door and the chair, pull the handle (thank goodness for child locks) and unbuckle himself and flip over his car seat. Oh, and did I mention he threw every item and toy he could get his hands on my way? Somehow I stayed calm throughout the entire thing. I've decided to look at it differently.
He is bipolar. He is. There I said it.
We've all known it. We've all tried to deny it. The counselor said at this age that can't dx, but I call bullshit, because if there is one thing I know besides apraxia, it's bipolar....and my baby has it.
It's actually a relief. When it's bipolar, I don't this mindset like it's Jace and I need to discipline it out of him. I can't. I literally can't discipline the bipolar out of a child no more than the incarceration tries to punish the mental illness out of inmates.
So...what to do?
Number one: Remain calm and don't engage. It seems counter intuitive not to engage his rage, but it only makes it worse, regardless of the course of action.
Number two: Get a what works list. I'm still working on this one. I can't figure out what can actually calm Jace down. We have tried counting to 10, taking deep breaths, using a calm down water bottle that just got chucked at us or the door). IDK. Last week it was hiding in a closet, but in the car, that's not an option.
Ironically, he has a sore throat and needed water from all of his screaming. I had one in the car that had ice in it. I shook it up and it cracked into many pieces providing visual stimulating input along with noise. He giggled in I swear, a maniacal way. It was almost disturbing, but it did calm him down.
When he got out of school, he remembered he was on red, and he remembered he would be taking a timeout in his room. He immediately started whining. Maybe at this point he the closest to a 6 than he ever will be; however, once I affirm his punishment we will be at a 10. If I ignore his punishment, we'll continue at a 6 indefinitely.
Well I affirmed his punishment, and the car ride home was another 25 minute rage session. He threw things, he kicked, he screamed, he unbuckled his seat belt, he knocked it over at me....ALL THE WAY HOME.
FML
I put him in his room. I opened the door when he stopped raging. He laid in his bed. He w
as quiet. I walked away. He seemed to calm himself down and then after 15 minutes, came out to eat.
Out afternoon was decent considering he's completely grounded from screens today and tomorrow and tablets for an entire week. He painted, he colored, he drew the most adorable family pic of us. I was so proud.
But then...it was time to pick up Ashlynn. Car rides are a trigger. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck MY LIFE.
It's a blur. I somehow reasoned with him enough that he didn't rage there....but he did on the way back. The offense? It was time to go back home. (This was after having dinner at his grandparent's house and even letting him stay and play a flashlight game with his papa.)
I had things thrown at me. Ashlynn was hit three times. He refused to stay in his car seat....as much as i tried to stay calm for Ashlynn, she and me, are held hostage by him and his rage.
Sigh.
It's out of control. It's out of control, and he's only four. Help me. Help me God. Help me help him. Guide Cody and I into making the decisions that are best for his well being. Give me discernment to hear you. Please. Help me save my son.
Laura
Monday, February 27, 2017
Wednesday, February 22, 2017
How do I change the path?
I know Jace is only almost 4, and it may seem dramatic to say all I see is a one way path to jail, but sadly, that's all I see more and more. I'm not a person prone to depression, and I should probably stop reading the news, because all I see when I see a criminal is Jace in that spot 20 years from now.
That's horrible I know. l hate to admit it. It makes me extremely depressed. He can't even control himself around me though, and I'm his mom and he loves me. He rages, hits me, slaps me, scratches me...gets red in the face from raging uncontrollably, has holes in the door, and Cody and I seem powerless to help him. The older and stronger he gets, the worse I fear it will be.
How do I give him tools to help? I feel like a failure. I'm exhausted, I'm depressed. I don't know how to be a good mom to him. I feel like I have Ashlynn taken care of, and under control, but I have no idea how to deal with Jace.
It's funny, because I'm more confident now Ashlynn will have a good future than I am about Jace. He's smart, he's talented in many ways, he's creative, and yet I fear more for him and his future.
Cody once said he knows he will be a successful father if he can keep Ashlynn off the pole. How then, do we keep Jace out of jail? I can't live with myself he doesn't grow up to be a good person.
Consistent consequences - check.
Found his currency - check
Parenting peacefully - check I give hugs, hold his hand, provide deep pressure and compression
Two parents - check
Stable home- check
That's horrible I know. l hate to admit it. It makes me extremely depressed. He can't even control himself around me though, and I'm his mom and he loves me. He rages, hits me, slaps me, scratches me...gets red in the face from raging uncontrollably, has holes in the door, and Cody and I seem powerless to help him. The older and stronger he gets, the worse I fear it will be.
How do I give him tools to help? I feel like a failure. I'm exhausted, I'm depressed. I don't know how to be a good mom to him. I feel like I have Ashlynn taken care of, and under control, but I have no idea how to deal with Jace.
It's funny, because I'm more confident now Ashlynn will have a good future than I am about Jace. He's smart, he's talented in many ways, he's creative, and yet I fear more for him and his future.
Cody once said he knows he will be a successful father if he can keep Ashlynn off the pole. How then, do we keep Jace out of jail? I can't live with myself he doesn't grow up to be a good person.
Consistent consequences - check.
Found his currency - check
Parenting peacefully - check I give hugs, hold his hand, provide deep pressure and compression
Two parents - check
Stable home- check
Rage and Anger Issues
Jace is a 4 year old boy. At his center, he is thoughtful, sweet, kind and caring. He will be concerned when others are hurt, display empathy when he has hurt others, and is affectionate and loving.
There is another side of Jace. A side I really don't understand. I know bipolar can't be diagnosed this young, but he has so many traits already.
1. He has triggers.
I took him to a therapist, and the therapist asked me to identify triggers. I tried but couldn't come up with any that session. His advice was to make a calm space for Jace and try and help him calm down when he's at an anger level of 60 on a scale of 1-10. I've been trying to do that, and I've realized Jace is never at a 60. Jace goes from 1-10 in seconds......when he's triggered.
This week it was taking a nap. He had the stomach bug and was up until 2AM waking up at 7. When it was time for a nap, he flew into an immediate rage. He throws whatever is in his hand, and makes it his mission to purposely start breaking anything in the area.
We have a new door (without a hole) and I told him his two choices. TAke a nap with me, or go to his room with the door locked. He raged further, so I followed through with the consequence. The minute he would stop raging I opened the door to reward the behavior I wanted to see. When faced with his two options again, he chose to rage once more and the scenario was repeated until he finally gave in and did actually take a (much needed) nap.
This is an obvious trigger. There are some days, I don't know the trigger. It may be Ashlynn has a toy he feels he is entitled to. Other days, he would care less she has it.
Some days it might be we have to get in the car to pick her up from school, other days he could care less. Either way, the result is always the same....utter and total rage.
Sometimes I do have a reward that is so juicy it will curb the behavior, like jetskiing. Though it is difficult, he does and can curb his behavior to get the reward.
Because of this we have a color clip system like they do in school to reward the behavior....and I did reward it, Saturday...only for him to rage on Sunday like it never mattered. There has to be some consequence, but consequences do nothing to change his behavior. Taking away priveleges, though upsetting, are never enough to change his behavior, but only serve to throw him into a greater rage.
Applying consequences that he hates are never effective. For example, he's scared of the dark. When we threaten to lock him in his room with no lights, he is scared, but still rages. Once in there, he cries that he's scared.
He presumably likes his toys, but will not stop throwing them at the door, so we have all of his toys now out of his room and any furniture, as he seeks to destroy it as well. Even when he is told he will get it taken away if he throws it, and even though he cries in regret afterward, it is not enough to make him NOT throw the toy.
I don't know what to do. I guess I'll make another appointment with the counselor...that's a start at least.
I have to figure this out before it's too late. I have to help my baby, and he's only 4 years old :(
There is another side of Jace. A side I really don't understand. I know bipolar can't be diagnosed this young, but he has so many traits already.
1. He has triggers.
I took him to a therapist, and the therapist asked me to identify triggers. I tried but couldn't come up with any that session. His advice was to make a calm space for Jace and try and help him calm down when he's at an anger level of 60 on a scale of 1-10. I've been trying to do that, and I've realized Jace is never at a 60. Jace goes from 1-10 in seconds......when he's triggered.
This week it was taking a nap. He had the stomach bug and was up until 2AM waking up at 7. When it was time for a nap, he flew into an immediate rage. He throws whatever is in his hand, and makes it his mission to purposely start breaking anything in the area.
We have a new door (without a hole) and I told him his two choices. TAke a nap with me, or go to his room with the door locked. He raged further, so I followed through with the consequence. The minute he would stop raging I opened the door to reward the behavior I wanted to see. When faced with his two options again, he chose to rage once more and the scenario was repeated until he finally gave in and did actually take a (much needed) nap.
This is an obvious trigger. There are some days, I don't know the trigger. It may be Ashlynn has a toy he feels he is entitled to. Other days, he would care less she has it.
Some days it might be we have to get in the car to pick her up from school, other days he could care less. Either way, the result is always the same....utter and total rage.
Sometimes I do have a reward that is so juicy it will curb the behavior, like jetskiing. Though it is difficult, he does and can curb his behavior to get the reward.
Because of this we have a color clip system like they do in school to reward the behavior....and I did reward it, Saturday...only for him to rage on Sunday like it never mattered. There has to be some consequence, but consequences do nothing to change his behavior. Taking away priveleges, though upsetting, are never enough to change his behavior, but only serve to throw him into a greater rage.
Applying consequences that he hates are never effective. For example, he's scared of the dark. When we threaten to lock him in his room with no lights, he is scared, but still rages. Once in there, he cries that he's scared.
He presumably likes his toys, but will not stop throwing them at the door, so we have all of his toys now out of his room and any furniture, as he seeks to destroy it as well. Even when he is told he will get it taken away if he throws it, and even though he cries in regret afterward, it is not enough to make him NOT throw the toy.
I don't know what to do. I guess I'll make another appointment with the counselor...that's a start at least.
I have to figure this out before it's too late. I have to help my baby, and he's only 4 years old :(
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