Having an Apraxia sister is hard

We are in the middle of a pandemic called COVID 19.  History books will write of it, and you will have remembered living it.

The Corona Virus - or COVID 19 put the world to a stand still.  Never before in the history of my lifetime or even your grandparents lifetime had the world come to stop as it did in 2020.

Everything you could imagine was cancelled.  Basketball. Swimming.  School. Church!! When I was a child church was never cancelled. It was a phenomenom never before seen.

You're Aunt Kris is a certified teacher and we were beyond blessed to have her teach you while me and daddy worked.  I had a schedule full of remedial skills to ensure you wouldn't regress; however Kris tweeked the schedule and provided quality instruction that helped you learn.

Even so...in the midst of it, you and Ashlynn were rough housing.  I told you to stop multiple times as I was worried someone would get hurt. On this particular day you two were rough housing normally but Ashlynn ended up flipped over from the couch slamming her head on the tile.  After telling you two calmly and numerously to not fight my patience flew out the window and I snapped at Jace, "What is wrong with you??? Go to your room!!"

As he ran to his room he cried, "I'm sorry Ashlynn!."

Ashlynn was wailing.  I was scared. She doesn't cry over physical pain.  She doesn't.  For her to be crying I was extra worried she was even extra hurt.

After tending to Ashlynn I went to Jace's room and apologized for yelling.  I said I knew it was an accident and that he didn't mean to hurt her.  He explained she had done the same thing to him and he didn't fall.  I reminded him Ashlynn has OT and PT for a reason.  That's when he said it.

"Having an apraxia sister is hard."

He didn't say it with contempt.  He didn't say it with anger.  He said it matter of fact with a tinge of sadness. 

I didn't know what to do but to validate him and hug him.  I told him I knew it was hard, and I was sorry. It's hard for her too having all of her disabilities.

And that was that.  He left and went back to playing.

A heart of a lion and of gold

 You're going into 7th grade this year Jace! You're getting so grown up and I'm seeing more of your personal values and work ethic shine through.  It's so fun to see the person that you are becoming, but also the person who you ARE. 

You are VERY aware of adult things now. You're curious and have a lot of questions and observations.

I'm sorry I don't blog about you as much, but trust me I make sure to share your stories with family.  I decided to go through my text messages and pull snippets of this last year. 

2022 was a pretty hard year because Daddy had one of the worst manic episodes he's ever had.  I hope and believe you know that's not really daddy, but he did break your heart during this one.  You even said those exact words to your friends one day.  It's important to be understanding of mental illness, but even more important to know you can love and have empathy for someone but do so with STRONG boundaries that still protect you.  I was forced to do that by taking out a protection order and having police ban him from our house until he got help. 

During this time, the police escorted him to pick up some things and I wrote
2-22-23

"When Cody came with the police escort to pick up more stuff he completely unplugged the internet.  Our internet is more complicated than just one modem because we need it to be fast to work for both of our jobs telehealth wise if needed at the same time. 

Our neighbor is a man named Nester who works for Century Link.  During this episode Cody called him over to figure this out and Nester set ups this top modem called EERO that feeds into the modem on the bottom. Jace re-hooked EVERYTHING back up and when I asked him how he did it he said, "well unlike dad I actually listened to everything Nester said." haha and that is ONE snippet of what it's like raising our father."

In one text thread to Jeff and Kris, I titled it "Adventure in raising a Baskall."
4-16-2023
My tire got a flat and luckily I was with Cody this weekend at a hotel so put on the spare but in the process Jace learned how to check tire pressure with the tire pressure took and was literally enamored.  He smiled at it and told me wow, I just really like this tool!  I was like, "oh buddy, what kind of DNA was woven into your blood?"  And he still smiled was like no, it's just really great because you don't have to rely on electronics which can fail or might be wrong....which only made me laugh more!  Dad I don't know if you can see it, but it's literally like talking to a 4ft version of you sometimes."

6-14-24

I love you dad.  I'm the "crazy" person now I once thought you were it makes me so happy I can talk about these things with you. So many people are alone and have no one who understand, but I have YOU and I never feel alone in being "awake." Jace is currently telling a friend on his video game that his mom has an "off" day and is obsessed with conspiracies. haha. Give it 40 years...he'll be on board."

Dad "What can I say!"

Me: You don't have to say anything. Just know there's a piece of you in everything I do.  Love you.

7-15-24
Had a conversation with Jace tonight with suggestions from Miranda....not just about Ash but Cody.  Last night, they were playing Magic and Jace told Cody that when he was sick, Cody told him to sort the cards in a weird way that didn't make sense.....and Cody looked up at Jace pained visibly, and said, "I don't remember saying that to you, but I'm so sorry I did and I'm even sorrier you remember it."L

Jace we had a talk about the word "stigma" and what disability is and h ow honestly most people on my bipolar TikTok don't hold a job because they are on disability.  You asked me what that meant which lead to me talking about Ashlynn and Matthew and people with developmental disabilities and me telling you at some point if I'm ever never able to care for Ash she'll have to go to a home....and this resolve came over your face as you asked "What? What do you mean?  Like a nursing home?" And I said, "yes, but for like people with disabilities." 

Do you know what you said? You said, "NO. That will NEVER happen on my watch."  I explained it wasn't your responsibility to take on and as I did so you kept shaking your head until you could speak and said, "No. That's MY sister. I will NEVER let that happen to her on my watch."

I was so impressed by you. Just newly 12 years old understanding adult issues of our time. I do want you to know though, even if you never take on Ashlynn for WHATEVER reason, it truly was NOT your responsibility and you should never feel guilty for any decision you might have had to make.

7-24-24

Pretzel is in heat and Dune is crazy to say the least. I wrote this to my mom and dad, "Pretzel is in heat and Dunie is so crazy he's literally not eating. It's bad.  Jace knows he's "girl crazy" and gets the jist...but he told me today I think he's just girls crazy and wants to save the food for Pretzel.  His heart is so sweet. That's always how you were dad! You checked once and then twice and then three times to make sure we got the second helpings etc if wanted it before you."

Dad: "He will be a good man!"

Me: "Just like you dad.  Love you"

Middle school - growing up

Hi Jace.  You're 11 years old. Wahhhhh.  You're so young, yet so old and wise. You truly are an old soul. It's so fun to be your mom.  

You started 6th grade this year!  You're at the same school as Ashlynn, Infinity Middle School. We live at The Last Stand at the end of Alamo Avenue in our cul de sac, and it's literally the best.  You're best friend is Alex who lives in Toll Gate Crossing. 

Mostly, the start of middle school has been going great. You are happy, excited, and ready to tackle the world.  However, on the first day of the second week of school, you came to me stressed and overwhelmed about and elective called AVID.  You explained it was a college prep course from your understanding and the expectations were so hard that it was just a class of stress and anxiety, anxiety and stress, stress stress.  You wanted to know if you could switch classes because you thought this was going to be a cool career class, and instead this was just crazy.

I told you I would call the teacher and find out what was going on.  She explained it was a class designed to teach organizational and executive functioning skills to students to last well INTO their college years, and maybe that is where he became confused.  I told her he was worried he signed a "CONTRACT" because if he accidentally broke it because he's not ready for the demands of the class he was freaking out he would get in trouble." She said the contract seems very serious but it was not intended to mean he can never break it because the whole class is about learning.

I decided after speaking to her this would indeed be a GREAT class for you Jace. When I told you, you were well, less than happy. You freaked out and panicked.  I told you the teacher would talk to you tomorrow and we would all figure it out together and figure out how to make you successful. 

The very next day you came to me and explained your homeroom teacher had been talking about a growth mindset versus a fixed mindset, and you had recognized you were having a fixed mindset in AVID.  Words cannot explain my pride in you.

Dad, you do realize Jace is you right?

 We are going through some hard times at the last stand.  Cody entered an episode the end of December, was hospitalized the end of January and it now end of February and he's still really sick.  He broke the protection order I had on him and entered the house this morning and was now charged with violating the PO and DV.  My heart breaks for him. The outlook is grim climbing his way out of this hole. 

Jace, what can only be described as the stars you had in your eyes for you dad are not gone.  A distant memory.  You told me tonight he had done the unforgiveable - and I said as Jesus taught us, all sins can be forgiven, but the consequences they carry may be great.  I personally will always forgive your dad.  When I said to him he did the unforgiveable by taking my children, I just meant he was going to meet a consequence that was at the point of no return.  

You helped me get the internet back on line, remarking "unlike dad I actually listened to what Nester had to say," haha reminding me so much of my dad, your Grandpa Baskall. 

You also convinced me to buy window locks, window sensors, and a lock bar for the sliding glass door reminding me to change the filter on amazon to read overnight so you could safely install everything tomorrow morning.  You amaze me kid.  When I sent it to grandpa Baskall he seems unaware of the similarities.  He just remarked you are going places and have a bright future.  Which, of course you do.....but I asked him if he realized how similar you two were and he said he didn't know how to answer that, I know out of low self -esteem.  I told him an additional anecdote of how you remarked the blinds were nice but had holes and to prevent people from peeking we needed curtains!  haha. 

Lastly, you made this profound comment to me tonight. You're only ten by the way.  You said, "I just like to think of all of the what if's in case one of the what if's happens."  I hate that you have to feel that way as a little boy......but I love that you are so like my dad.  I remember asking him all the time why he followed politics and why he cared so much and that was almost the exact answer he gave but added it was to protect his family.  

I lied...I have one more last thing to say.  You were traumatized last week.  You had to run past three adults who are supposed to love you and make you feel safe at all times into the car of a friend of Ashlynn's and you did it to get away and to honor what you called your "uh oh" feeling. I hate it for you.  I hate you had to do it but holy shit did that take some freaking big ass cajones.  And I'm sorry if that's not politically correct when you read it, but that took courage and resolve unlike anything I've ever seen and I want you to remember when life gets hard just what a strong, brave badass you really are in the face of fear. I've never been so sad for you but so proud of you at the same time.  

My little boy I love you more than my own life.  Any good mother does.  I would easily take a bullet for you or die for you if the choice ever happened,  You are such an amazing human and I'm so so so proud of anything and everything you are.  

Love, 
Mom

A visit from our angels - Chinese New Year

 With our new trailer we have been having quite the winter adventure, as daddy has no problem hauling it in the cold.  He makes sure everything is warm and working so we can spend time in nature as a family. 

On the last weekend in January in 2022, we had intended on going to Golden Gate.  After an unfortunate series of events that don't need to be further explained, we all ended up at Boyd Lake.  Since we were close to Kris' house, Kris came that day and took a walk and Kayla came that evening to enjoy the fire after work that night.  

Daddy had one more Chinese lantern left in the trailer.  It was so magical as night was clear and the stars were lit up in the sky. We all made a wish to ourselves before sending the lantern up into the sky and our desires and wishes out to the universe. 

Upon reviewing the video when we got home, there appeared to be a green illuminated butterfly flying around Cody. Since it was 25 degrees out and the dead of winter, there was to be no way it could be a bug.  It flew with such intent it was also hard to believe it was a reflection of my camera lense.  When I asked myself "what is this?" a voice in my head immediately responded with, "Granny."  Granny was daddy's grandma and he loved her so much.  He always felt loved and connected to her. She died shortly after we were married and this trauma is what caused his first bipolar episode.  I remember him crying in the back of the ambulance for "Vivian" who was no longer with us....or was she?  

I had Kayla send me her video since she took one too, and the green butterfly orb is clearly visible in hers as well. I don't know what your wish was Jace, but a few weeks ago daddy was looking to be on the path to another episode and you told me, "If I had one wish it would be that daddy doesn't go bipolar, but I'm afraid it's too late."  Our words are so powerful and I believe you put that out to the Universe and the loving source energy responded to your innocent but emphatic plea.  Don't believe me?  Just look for yourself. 

Dream big little one

 It's so fun watching you grow Jace.  You truly take life in.  You understand intuitively what you see.  You quickly picked up a law of the universe that our words are powerful and can literally alter reality.  I'll never forget you learning this lesson one day. We were getting out of the truck and you were carrying a water melon and you announced "I feel like I'm going to drop this" and laughed.  When we got in the house, you sure enough dropped the watermelon.  That's when I told you our words are powerful.  Be careful what you say.  From now on you even catch me being negative and remind me "not to put that out there."  You were eight years old when you learned that.

I love the songs that speak to you.  You recently found "run" by one republic.  It's a great song so I decided to look up the lyrics and why the writer wrote them.  His name is Ryan Tedder and he wrote the song in response to the COVID propaganda dominating the news cycle.  He said he learned a long time ago to turn off the news, focus on the positive, reject the negative, count your blessings, and keep your eyes on the rising sun, or the wonders of God and this Universe.

I literally couldn't teach you a better lesson myself.  COVID has been a weird time.  We have almost a split universe.  One set of people listen to the news daily, stay in fear, and step in line with every recommendation.  Your dad and myself are not part of this universe.  We are in the other realm. Ryan Tedder's realm.  Turn off the news. Trust God, yourself, and your intuition because your intuition is the truth.  Not media propaganda.  We live our life and I hope when you grow up you remember this time not as one of fear, but of one as intense spiritual growth and understanding that you will never forget.

In an interview with Ryan Tedder about his song Counting Stars, another favorite of mine, he said the idea came to him because people need to be writing about  life and faith and hope.  I think you could be like him Jace.  You have music in your soul, you're creative, and you technically already wrote your first song at 9!  Now granted it was about a tractor called "bumpin along the road" but still!  Everyone starts somewhere.  

No matter what you decide to do or be though, I know you are going to be amazing!

I also love your long hair.  You are an absolutely beautiful boy with a beautiful heart and soul and I love you more than words could ever say. 
Love,

Mom

Your future self

Oh my Jace,

Where do I start?  Your talents and abilities are many.  You have natural ability in basketball and your Papa Baskall came to a game and knew immediately after he had to buy you a hoop so you could practice.

And practice you have.

Today I was practicing with Ashlynn and you.  She wanted to make 10 baskets before we switched it up.  You're in second grade. You have not been taught multiplication.

We were at 6 baskets before you paused a moment before commenting - wait so if you have six baskets that means you have 12 points.

I asked you how you did that.  You said you didn't know. 

You're amazing my son. I don't know what you will be - so many options.  The greatest option is the dream inside of you.

Today you were watching 8 simple hacks on youtube......I was bored after 20 seconds!

What will you become?? 

Love you,
Love Mommy