We are going through some hard times at the last stand. Cody entered an episode the end of December, was hospitalized the end of January and it now end of February and he's still really sick. He broke the protection order I had on him and entered the house this morning and was now charged with violating the PO and DV. My heart breaks for him. The outlook is grim climbing his way out of this hole.
Jace, what can only be described as the stars you had in your eyes for you dad are not gone. A distant memory. You told me tonight he had done the unforgiveable - and I said as Jesus taught us, all sins can be forgiven, but the consequences they carry may be great. I personally will always forgive your dad. When I said to him he did the unforgiveable by taking my children, I just meant he was going to meet a consequence that was at the point of no return.
You helped me get the internet back on line, remarking "unlike dad I actually listened to what Nester had to say," haha reminding me so much of my dad, your Grandpa Baskall.
You also convinced me to buy window locks, window sensors, and a lock bar for the sliding glass door reminding me to change the filter on amazon to read overnight so you could safely install everything tomorrow morning. You amaze me kid. When I sent it to grandpa Baskall he seems unaware of the similarities. He just remarked you are going places and have a bright future. Which, of course you do.....but I asked him if he realized how similar you two were and he said he didn't know how to answer that, I know out of low self -esteem. I told him an additional anecdote of how you remarked the blinds were nice but had holes and to prevent people from peeking we needed curtains! haha.
Lastly, you made this profound comment to me tonight. You're only ten by the way. You said, "I just like to think of all of the what if's in case one of the what if's happens." I hate that you have to feel that way as a little boy......but I love that you are so like my dad. I remember asking him all the time why he followed politics and why he cared so much and that was almost the exact answer he gave but added it was to protect his family.
I lied...I have one more last thing to say. You were traumatized last week. You had to run past three adults who are supposed to love you and make you feel safe at all times into the car of a friend of Ashlynn's and you did it to get away and to honor what you called your "uh oh" feeling. I hate it for you. I hate you had to do it but holy shit did that take some freaking big ass cajones. And I'm sorry if that's not politically correct when you read it, but that took courage and resolve unlike anything I've ever seen and I want you to remember when life gets hard just what a strong, brave badass you really are in the face of fear. I've never been so sad for you but so proud of you at the same time.
My little boy I love you more than my own life. Any good mother does. I would easily take a bullet for you or die for you if the choice ever happened, You are such an amazing human and I'm so so so proud of anything and everything you are.
Love,
Mom
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