So proud, and it goes all wrong.

It's really starting to hit me how huge SPD is. I took Jace to Karate tonight, his first lesson. I want us to do something special for him since he is made to tag along to OT, speech, swimming, and now she gets to go to girl scouts. He was stoked, until we put on the uniform (sensory issues). I was able to get it on, but then Ashlynn started acting up. Kept asking me what SHE was doing tonight. I told her she was supporting her brother like he supports her. She was whiny but nothing I couldn't handle. Jace rocked Karate. I was so, so proud. Incident in the middle though where Ashlynn was up wondering around the gym and they asked her to sit back down. She lost it. Started crying, tantrum the whole works (she's six, this is EMBARRASSING). I manage to calm her down and Jace finishes it. I couldn't WAIT to tell him how proud I was! It's just....I never got the chance. When I told him it was time to go, he lost his freaking shit. Kicking, screaming, crying, I couldn't even get his shoes on. Major scene. I looked at Ashlynn and asked (begged) her to get her boots on and she says "no" starts crying and LAYS DOWN ON THE FLOOR. I had to haul Jace out to the car and leave her there. Lock him in there, and come back in and haul her out. I look like mom of the year let me tell you. I know it's the SPD now. That shit is the SPD and I need to address it and I just want to wave my white flag and crawl in bed and never come out.

OT concerns in Jace.....say it ain't so

Jace has his issues, but it has been a relief to see he doesn't have any overt challenges like his sister.  You just want the best for your kids, and Jace seems to be able to hang with the program.

The other day the preschool OT caught me in the hall, and told me Jace seems to have some hand weakness.

I blinked, maybe twice...maybe three times.  Jace?  No.

"He really can't hold a scissors and cut," she continued.

"Oh yeah, I know.  He sucks at cutting, but seriously, he's just not interested, and when he's not interested, it looks like he can't do it."

"Oh I thought that too maybe," she continued.  "So I really made an effort to work with him before break, and I think now he avoids scissors because they are hard."

Blink blink.

Wow.

So many things were running through my head. Jace needs OT too??  How do both of my kids need a therapy I never even heard of before I started working?  Maybe it's genetic.....that means Ashlynn having apraxia definitely isn't my fault...even though I know it's not my fault.  Oh, but, if it's genetic, why the hell do Cody and my genes suck?

Stop.

"I'd be happy to see him on an informal basis," she smiled.

"Um...yes.  Yes of course.  Thank you!  Whatever will help him."

I started thinking about OT things Ashlynn works on....like catching a ball. Though I did just post Jace finally caught a ball last month....it has been a "thing."  A peculiar thing, because other motor skills are so normal or advanced, why hasn't he been able to catch a ball?

My mind started racing.  Jace has over-sensitive sensory issues.  Sensory issues are related to OT.  He doesn't like graphics on his shirts because the back of them "hurt" his tummy. He hates his shoes too tight. He can't stand it if his socks are rotated even remotely off, I had to cut tags out of his shirts when he was little......no, no no. Shit, shit, shit.

Jace is normal.  Okay that's a horrible word.  Jace is typical.  He's fine.  Not BOTH my babies.  NO.

I texted Cody what she said.

"That's why we are paying for school right?" he responded.

Deep breath.  Yes.

Sadness swept over me.  Jace has been saying lately, or rather wailing lately, that he doesn't want to go to school.  He can't ever tell me why. Is it because it is hard?  IDK.  IDK.

Not Jace too.  Dear Lord, pray for my babies.

Finding moments of peace amidst constant screaming

Oh Jace.  My 3 1/2 year old Jace.  Somedays it feels like he literally came out of me screaming and never stopped.  Screaming fries even the most patient person, and unfortunately I'm not the most patient person anyway.

We took him and Ashlynn skiing yesterday.  He had to wait with me in the play area so Cody could get Ashlynn set up with her lessons.  The ski boot situation has been a fiasco.  I swear he has some sensory issues that are the exact opposite of Ashlynn.  Where she is under-responsive tactically, he is over responsive.  The only way we could get him into ski boots was to have him wear boots that are even bigger than Ashlynn's.  I 'm surprised he didn't fall out of them.  His first pair of boots were his size and he literally screamed every time we tried to put them on, and we tried at least 5 times.  This time was better, but he refused to wear his heavy mittens from the truck to the lodge so his hands ended up freezing.  He had to wait with Cody for me and Ashlynn because we had stairs to go down and in ski boots Ashlynn was scared so we took a very long time getting down them.

Apparently he screamed the entire time he was cold.  Cody has even less patience than me so you can imagine the mood he was in.  I took Jace up to the lodge and things were going okay, but inevitably he can't just play.  He found the changing station and had to open and close all the cabinets and climb on it.  I had to tell him multiple times to get down and then I was threatening timeout.  That made him mad so he went around taking toys from the other kids.  After the third time of this I went to grab him and he ran away out into the lodge and hid from me.  I finally found him and just had to hold him for a time out.

I moved all our stuff down away from all the kids.  He screamed for another 45 minutes, pretty much straight.  I couldn't take him to the truck because Cody had his keys.  That seriously gets to a person.  It is awful.

We ate lunch and that occupied him at least for a little bit.  Afterward he got to ski with his daddy and he did an awesome job!  It was like the one silver lining, and the best 30 minutes of the day.  He came back inside happy and proud!

"That was really, really, fun," he said.

That was short lived because then it was time to go so.....you guessed it.  More screaming.  "I don't want to go" he wailed over and over and over and over and over and over.  People thought it was cute.

"I don't want to go either little buddy!" with a smirk

Ugh.  Let's just try and get to the car.

Despite being tired he didn't sleep at all on the way home.  Great, A tired Jace means less screaming because he has no energy left right?  Nope.  It usually means even MORE screaming.  I made a frozen pizza and he screamed, "I don't want to eat pizza" over and over and over and over again.  I finally put him and his plate in his room and closed the door.  He kept screaming.  I told him he couldn't get out until his pizza was gone.  Another 45 minutes of nonstop screaming and whining in his room and he finally ate his pizza.

By that time, it was bedtime.  More screaming.

"I don't want to go to bed!  I'm not tired" over and over and over and over again.

My husband and I were totally fried.  I went to bed early.  I felt a little better.  Started to get the kids ready for school and pulled out their school clothes.  Didn't even have them out before more screaming ensued,

"I don't want to go to school" over and over and over and over.

Dear God help me.