My little caretaker

This Winter of 2018-2019 was brutal for me!  I got a chest cold from you and Ashlynn that quickly took a dark turn into bronchitis.  Thinking there was nothing doctors could do, I tried to power through on only DayQuil, only to feel more fatigued and exhausted as the weeks went on.  I have never been so sick for so long.  I felt so bad coming home and just going to bed.  I know you and Ashlynn missed me, but there was nothing I could do.  I was hurting with a pounding headache and fever at the end of most days. 

At the end of the second week, after going out in the cold to Target trying to get Ashlynn ready for the Daddy/daughter dance, I had a coughing attack that sent spasms through my entire chest that I could not stop.  I decided while her and daddy went to the dance, I had to go to Urgent Care.  You initially whined and complained.  Why did we have to leave and do something boring that would take forever you asked.  I felt bad. I had already been absent for two weeks, it wasn't fair for you to have to sit in a waiting room and doctor office on a Friday night.  I gave you two options.  You could go with me or I could get Grandma Baskall to come over and watch you.  About 30 minutes later I asked if you had made your decision.  You hesitated and so I said maybe you could come with me and call daddy in case something happened.  You said that was the choice you were going to make all along and came with me. 

Jace, I was so proud of you that night.  I had a fever, a headache, and was feeling terrible.  You were so mature and grown up through the entire thing.  You had to wait for a total of almost three hours, and you did so watching the iPad and being quiet and respectful.  Through my haze of sickness I would look at you incredulously.  Just a few short years ago, you were the boy who whizzed around the doctor office, playing on the stool, crashing into walls, leaping off the exam table, opening and closing every drawer and touching every button.  I remember one visit where you pulled the nurse's call button and she was not happy to come and see it was a false alarm caused by a toddler whose mom clearly had not control over. 

When I left to get an Xray, you called Grandma Smith and calmly explained the situation.  When we left, three medical professionals commented on what a good boy you were and one said how proud I must be.  I quickly agreed.  I am sooo proud of you and even prouder you are my son.  I know you are only six, but you are an amazing boy, soul, and human.  I love you so much.  I see all the potential this world has to offer when I look into your eyes, and I just pray I can encourage you to be the person I know you can be.

Thank you for being my son.  I'm the luckiest mom in the world.  I love you forever.

Love,
Mom

I'll love you forever and High Hopes

Daddy is in the hospital again.  It is three days before Christmas.  This time has been better because you have been able to talk to him, but I can tell it still takes a toll on you.  I'm so sorry buddy.  I know how hard this is.  I cry with you. 

You are so resilient though.  Despite this you came home every day last week on a good color for behavior.  I know how hard it must have been.  Tonight  you're growing six year old body snuggled on mine in the fetal position and I smelled your hair and breathed in your goodness.  You're getting bigger and older and I'm not sure when it will be the last time, so I enjoy them as they come and try to live in the moment.

You're favorite song this weekend was Panic at the Disco's "High Hopes" and Jace, if you do anything in this life, listen and heed the words in this song.  My son Jace.  YOU are talented beyond your wild imagination.  Dream and dream big!  Take risks.  Don't be afraid to fail.  Life is a gift and you only get to live once.  Push the limits.  See how much you can achieve!  Truly do what most people fail it and LIVE.  Don't let your past or your hurts determine your future or your perceptions.  Always believe in yourself like I do.  I love you so much.  Love MOM


Mama said
Fulfill the prophecy
Be something greater
Go make a legacy
Manifest destiny
Back in the days
We wanted everything, wanted everything

Mama said
Burn your biographies
Rewrite your history
Light up your wildest dreams
Museum victories, everyday
We wanted everything, wanted everything

Mama said, don't give up, it's a little complicated
All tied up, no more love and I'd hate to see you waiting

Had to have high, high hopes for a living
Shooting for the stars when I couldn't make a killing
Didn't have a dime but I always had a vision
Always had high, high hopes

1st Cardboard Challenge

Tonight was your first ever cardboard challenge.  You asked me to sign up for the club,a nd you conceptualized the idea yourself.  Daddy did his best to help you construct your design.  You used your snap circuits to help wire up a motor and your build a train that could move with a switch. 

When the judges came by you were nervous and stammered.  It was so cute because you are usually one confident little guy. As we encouraged you from behind, you gained confidence and slowly started to tell them about your creation. I knew when the judge told you to submit again next year that you weren't a contender, but I was soooo proud of you for being one of the youngest kids at the school who was inspired to want to participate. You're an engineer.  You always have been. This was the perfect event for you.

Your dad saw the list of contenders after the judging was over and knew you weren't on it, but we went to the ceremony anyway. You were tired but you waited with anticipation and was just so sure you were going to be hailed the winner.

As the names were read and the kids who won cheered, you started to slump your shoulders down.  At the end of the ceremony, your shoulders were completely hunched over, your eyes were red, and if I looked close, there were tears.  You were devastated you had failed.  I hugged you and assured you how proud I was of you.  Your dad did too later at home.  To be the best at anything, you have to fail.  You have to earn anything you do in this life.  You have to be willing to take rejection and then stand up to it and try again.  Though my heart broke for you and your tears and tiny hunched over shoulders, everyone wins is not real life.  It's better to learn it early.

Later that night we were at home and it was time to work on your boat for the Boy Scout Regatta. Seemingly recovered you randomly offered,
"I knew I was going to win mom.  I don't know enough yet and you have to earn it."

Here I had felt so bad for you and desperately wanted to explain to you that this is life, but the experience had already taught you that.  Jace you are brilliant.  You are.  I am your biggest fan.  I believe in your 1000 percent.  Fail forward Jace.  Take those failures and disappointments in life and use them to learn from and then try again and move forward. 

You are destined to be a leader.  A good leader.  A kind leader.  A fair leader. 

Fail forward.  Always keep learning.  Never assume you know it all. Experience everything you can that this life has to offer. 

Love,
Mommy

Do what is hard now, so it's easy later

Dear Jace,
This year you went to Estes Park with the family.  I stayed behind because I had to work.  I could have taken off, but I'm trying to dig us out of debt and I can't do that by taking trips.

I always feel so guilty and worry you will think I never wanted to be with you, or I was never around.  I hope when you are older you realize that couldn't be further from the truth.  I'm going to dig us out of here.  Daddy is sick.  He's not sick right now, but he has a very scary illness and at a moments notice, his brain can get triggered and take him away from us again.  The stress of work makes this worse, so right now I am working and I'm okay with that.  I'm determined to find a way to get out of this paycheck to paycheck mess we are in.

Les Brown says we have to do what is hard now, so it's easy later.  I'm promising you it's going to be easy later.  I'm going to make all your sports games and I'm going to be there for you like I want to be.  Like you deserve. 

I was feeling sad tonight and found this on my computer end table.  It made my night.  Love you little man. 

Love,
Mommy

You never failed. You merely learned

We are 2 weeks in to your first week of school!  You have done so amazingly well! You are motivated to learn, keep coming home with stars on purple (the highest color for behavior) and are taking your work so seriously.

You talked all week about an invention you were making in STEM. You couldn't wait until Friday when you would bring it home and show us your "cup."  When I picked you up today, you said it was a "water bottle" and you tried very hard to make sure you sealed anything that would leak.  I was excited at your ingenuity

Today your brought it home and in the car ride home expressed how you were excited to test it out.  I smiled and agreed.  When I pulled into the drive and opened the garage door, you eagerly raced inside.  It took me maybe two minutes to gather my lunch and work bag and make my way in the door, and in that time you had managed to pour gatorade into your "sustainable water bottle" and it was now leaking all over my living room floor.

As I unknowingly walked into the house, my eye spied the blue gatorade pouring out of your invention and onto my floor and I reflexively yelled, "Jace!! What are you doing??  What were you thinking?"

You tried to fix your error by reflexively turning your invention upside down; but this only further caused all the remaining gatorade to pour out onto our living room floor and rug.

I angrily pulled down paper towels and told your to clean it up, which you dutifully did.  Two minutes later you were out on the back porch in a chair with your head down.  I told you sister to wait inside and came out to talk to you.  I apologized for yelling and asked you why you were so glum.

"I didn't know it would leak like that," you said in despair and tears welled in your eyes.

"Oh Jace, how could you have known?  Every good scientist and inventor has to test their invention.  You didn't have a chance to do that.  I wish you hadn't done it with blue gatorade, but that is what scientists do or they would never know if anything worked!  You didn't fail Jace.  You just learned that this particular design has holes and now you know how to try and make it better."

Your face brightened.  Your eyebrows raised and you seemed to understand.

A Facebook friend reminded me in the comments of a famous Thomas Edison quote

Keep inventing.  Keep dreaming.  Keep putting your dreams into practice.  Fail forward.  Know that any failures are not failures but a lesson.  Keep learning.  You're so amazing Jace.  Always believe that.  

More importantly, be kind.  Keep in mind that your God given talents were given to you to serve God's people.  Always have an attitude and mind for service.  If you do this, not only will you be happy, but you will be prosperous as well.

My son.  My little dude.  My little man.  You are here to change the world for the better.

Love,

Mommy

First Time boating

We were at Adam's Camp this Summer of 2018, and in another post I have yet to outline, you and your sister absolutely LOVE this place.

The morning before the boat ride we had a fun trip with a slide down the mountain at Adam's Camp.  Though you were excited, your mind kept spinning with things you needed to pack for the boat ride that afternoon.  When we got back to the trailer, you disappeared.  A few minutes later you came out with a bag you had prepared ready for the afternoon of boating.  You had thought of everything, including looking out for your sister.  The bag included:

Flashlight
Snacks
Tissues
Compass
Playing Cards
Water
Swimsuits for you and Ashlynn. 

I peeked inside and laughed out loud.  My goodness Jace are you 5 or 55?  Oh how I love you.  What a special person you are. 

The day out on the boat for you was heaven.  The lake in the mountains was not busy and we could let you take the helm.  You put on your serious face and strongly took the wheel while you steered us around the lake. 

You are and have always been a force to be reckoned with.

Love,
Mommy

1st Day of 1st Grade

My baby boy!  How is this possible? Today you started first grade, and today this picture appeared on my facebook memories.

My snuggle bear that is now this big boy ready to take on elementary school!  I wasn't going to buy new backpacks this year, but when you put on that batman backpack, you strutted so proud while musing, "Man, this just feels so good," that I couldn't say no.  You bought a matching batman lunch bag, new clothes, new shoes, new haircut, and you were set.

On the way to school today you excitedly announced while we were halfway there, "Are we there yet because I'm just sooo excited!!"

I'm so glad you love school. You should.  School will come fairly easy to you if you put your mind to it, and your ingenious and inventor mind will be enhanced when you learn to read and write.  The sky is the limit for you my JaceMan.  I'm your biggest fan.  

Love,

Mommy