I waive my white flag

Jace, today you broke me.  Yes I realize I'm 34 and you are 2.5, but you broke me.

As an infant, you woke up every 2-3 hours around the clock.  Speculations were that you had colic, and then acid reflux that you were medicated for.  For a little over 8 months, I was the sole person in charge of waking up with you, because your daddy has bipolar disorder and needs to take meds that knock him out so he can sleep and function like the rest of us.

I understood this though.  I did.  I had to go back to work when you were six months, and I'm not quite sure how I survived on 4-5 hours per night total.  Not even straight through.  I made numerous paperwork errors, but God only knows how good an SLP I actually was.

You took a pacifier and finally started gaining weight, and I thanked God for the sleep!!  You LOVED going to sleep (as long as you had your paci), and when you woke up at night you easily found your paci and went back to sleep.  From 1-2 years old I had my best sleep ever.

After two, your sleeping habits became erratic.  Closer to 2:3 you were soo demanding you get your paci, Daddy finally took it away cold turkey.

It has been downhill ever since.

We theorized I was giving you too much to drink before bed and that was what was keeping you up.

No.

Once you learned how to scale and get out of your crib, my life has been nothing but a haze again.  Your dad tries to help, and he does do what he can, but I don't have prescription medication to make me sleep, so even when he takes you, I am still left wide awake.  Awake to feel the alertness only a mother can feel when confronted with the cries of her own distraught baby.

Last Friday I tried to put you down for a nap, but you weren't having it.  Determined to stick with the "stay in bed technique" it took me 85 times of putting you back in our crib before you finally decided to take a nap.

We tried to get you a "big boy bed" and despite my worries, bought you a bunk bed because your dad insisted.

Today is Monday, and I tried to put you down for a nap 335 times.  I want to fold up in a ball and never wake up.  You were so defiant.  You peed on the floor twice because you stripped down naked.  I tried from 1:30 to 4:30 and by then I got you up because it was time for dinner. You need to eat.

I sat crying on the floor.  When daddy got home he was just mad at me.  Mad the house was a wreck and mad I couldn't handle you guys today when for the next two night he would have you alone since I go to work.

I'm exhausted.  I'm worn down.  It would seem you have no respect for me.  I prayed and prayed and prayed today.  I love you so much.  You are my baby Jace.  My prayer to Heavenly Father is as follows:

Dear Lord, I pray you bless my family and protect them. Guide Cody and I into making the best decision for their health and well being.  I pray my children grow up to have a relationship with Jesus Christ.  That they accept Him as their Lord and Savior.  This I pray, each day, forever and ever, Amen.

Oh Jace, I love you.  I feel inept at raising you.  If only there were a manual I would follow it down to the last punctuation.

Above all, know that I love you.  I always will.  You are my baby and nothing can change that.  I pray I raise you right.  This I ask in Jesus' name.

Amen.